I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
