you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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