I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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