i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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