she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
