but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
