Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
