my phone needs a breathalizer
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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