dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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