i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
