Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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