I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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