she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
