He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
