mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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