I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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