I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
This is my gift to your gina
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
