Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
