You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
