Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
whose ass print is on the piano?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
