I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
