i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
She needs sedatives and a leash
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
