there's paper in my vomit.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
