Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
