i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You need a sexual gate keeper
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
