doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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