if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
