me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
