when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
