Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
