I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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