I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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