I think my vagina is haunted
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
