Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
