Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you didnt know i had herpes?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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