i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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