She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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