I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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