buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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