There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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