Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
