ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
