You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
