dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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