dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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