I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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