I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
