Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
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i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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