I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
