walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I want a musical about memes.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
