if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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