Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Randomize
