I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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