I can't watch pbs sober anymore
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
