Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
