Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
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My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
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My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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