he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
