He told me they were just razor bumps!
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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